What kind of toilet does the Buddha use?

There are certain expectations one has when visiting South East Asia - especially when doing it on a shoestring budget like we and most other people do when they are lucky enough to see so much of it in one go. Gone, or very limited, are western luxuries to which one has become accustomed and, quite frankly, with which one has been spoiled. But, lest one wants to admit, these are the things one is secretly looking forward to going without despite how much one dreads or moans about it, in the vain hope it will turn one into a more grateful being.

Having said this, one is not sure how grateful one should be when one is presented with a room costing no more than the price of a few beers, containing a bed, fan, shower and…

Where’s the toilet?

After this non-discovery one feels the urge to complain, but fears any complaint sent in the direction of the owner will be treated with triviality and bemusement before falling down the hole where the toilet should be.

“Ah, this your toilet”, says the incredulous owner in his best broken English, pointing to what amounts to a hospital bedpan sunken into the concreted floor.

Ok, so where’s the toilet paper?

“Toilet paper long hose. Water clean butt after.”

The realisation hits when one acknowledges that this is what is meant by being grateful. Still, one must look on the bright side. It is impossible to land any floaters.  And at least after shaving one can complete the other two S’s with convenience as the shower is usually situated very close or directly over the pan. The discovery that a self-flushing western-style toilet should be considered a luxury, and therefore worshipped, is realised with elation when, having moved on and found another room in another place with said style toilet, one immediately falls to ones knees in submittal to the porcelain Buddha.